Eugh, my fucking head. I think I have the fabulously amazing ability to give myself headaches on cue, which isn't very hard, with all the things I worry about and thing about. Bleh.
I have to go read to little kids tonight, at the library. I DON'T WANT TO. I got out of it the last two times because I was either sick or the snow was too much to drive through, but I have to go tonight. Kids get really boisterous when you try to teach them to read. I'd rather babysit so I could have fun with them. x_o
Yeah. Today was fabulous, I felt like shit most of it. I feel like crying but I don't know why. This morning I was listening to my discman in the bathroom, and as I finished washing my hands, I moved to walk out, but I remember that my discman is on the counter. But no, its too late, I've pulled it off, and it fell in the fucking toilet. THAT IS SO HILARIOUS, MR. GOD. LOLOLOL! Christ. x_o
Garg. Anyways! Then later on during food studies (which I skipped again) I was lying on the floor in the hallway and I felt like I could just die right then. But I didn't have any reason to! I wasn't sore or sick or nauseous or anything. I just felt like I should be dying. I can't even describe how I'm feeling lately. Its just a flat monotonous kind of mood. Blank. Subdued. Although I'm always subdued, quiet, nervous, afraid. Afraid of what?
Afraid of people, who are as imperfect as me (although perhaps not in the same ways)?
Afraid of death, which I often wait for?
Afraid of illness, which I often feel I have?
I don't think its any of those things.
I'm just afraid to live.
And now I'm crying.